Beautiful woman. Check.

Invitation up to her apartment. Check.

Me. Making it awkward. Check, annnnnnd let me double check that that’s accurate… Yep. Check.

Okay, that might have been a bit histrionic, perhaps.

I’ve been going out casually with this woman who is pretty awesome. I think we’re starting to like each other.

Sunday we went up to some hot springs and ended up taking a five mile hike none of us were expecting.

“Damnit, you all are ruining my nine month no-workout streak,” I told my hiking companions, annoyed that I was somehow exercising by accident.

Fast forward. I took her home. She invited me to come up and hang out.

Ooooh, wait. Did you think above when I said invited me up I meant to get it on with her? Yeah. Um. No. Perverts.

Anyway, I went up to hang out with her in her apartment, but I smelled exactly as I looked… Like a big giant dried-sweaty mess. Actually, I smelled worse than that. My clothes smelled like sulphur since we had hiked to some hot springs.

She said she wanted to shower. Fuck. I couldn’t be the only stinky one, and I told her so.

“Just shower,” she told me. I had no other clothes, and I told her so.

“I’ve got some underwear you can wear,” she told me. “I stole them from a friend of mine.”

She went to a drawer and grabbed a pair of Hanes boxer shorts that just happened to be my size.

I didn’t like them. And I told her so.

It was weird to wear another guy’s undies. And I told her so.

But, I never told her the real truth. The truth that… I would never wear underwear as uncomfortable and cheap as the ones she was holding out to me. I don’t buy underwear that come in multi-packs. I buy underwear that comes in 1-packs.

Bleh. She had never seen me in undies yet. Did I really want the first time she did to be while I was wearing the Hanes of some other guy? Once my clothes come off, I don’t have a whole lot going for this dad bod, so the Hanes meant giving up the one thing I usually do have going… sexy, expensive undies.

I turned my nose up higher. “I don’t wanna.”

“Oh my god. Just do it. They’re clean.”

I looked down at my dirty clothes. “Fine.”

Fast forward. We had both showered. I put on the fucking underwear. We snuggled and talked. Which was really nice, but awkward as hell because we hadn’t even made out or anything before.

I stayed as long as I could in those… Hanes. Those fucking Hanes.

Eventually I couldn’t take it any longer, and as soon as she dozed-off, I kissed her forehead and told her I was taking off. I put my putrid clothes back on, ditched the undies, and went home to shower the same dirtiness off of me for the second time that night.

Yep, I left a pretty girl in bed because… Apparently I am an underwear snob.

What’s the point in telling you this?

Fuck if I know.

Dan Pearce | The Dan Pearce Blog