Previous articleI’m So NOT Miserable

Beautiful woman. Check.

Invitation up to her apartment. Check.

Me. Making it awkward. Check, annnnnnd let me double check that that’s accurate… Yep. Check.

Okay, that might have been a bit histrionic, perhaps.

I’ve been going out casually with this woman who is pretty awesome. I think we’re starting to like each other.

Sunday we went up to some hot springs and ended up taking a five mile hike none of us were expecting.

“Damnit, you all are ruining my nine month no-workout streak,” I told my hiking companions, annoyed that I was somehow exercising by accident.

Fast forward. I took her home. She invited me to come up and hang out.

Ooooh, wait. Did you think above when I said invited me up I meant to get it on with her? Yeah. Um. No. Perverts.

Anyway, I went up to hang out with her in her apartment, but I smelled exactly as I looked… Like a big giant dried-sweaty mess. Actually, I smelled worse than that. My clothes smelled like sulphur since we had hiked to some hot springs.

She said she wanted to shower. Fuck. I couldn’t be the only stinky one, and I told her so.

“Just shower,” she told me. I had no other clothes, and I told her so.

“I’ve got some underwear you can wear,” she told me. “I stole them from a friend of mine.”

She went to a drawer and grabbed a pair of Hanes boxer shorts that just happened to be my size.

I didn’t like them. And I told her so.

It was weird to wear another guy’s undies. And I told her so.

But, I never told her the real truth. The truth that… I would never wear underwear as uncomfortable and cheap as the ones she was holding out to me. I don’t buy underwear that come in multi-packs. I buy underwear that comes in 1-packs.

Bleh. She had never seen me in undies yet. Did I really want the first time she did to be while I was wearing the Hanes of some other guy? Once my clothes come off, I don’t have a whole lot going for this dad bod, so the Hanes meant giving up the one thing I usually do have going… sexy, expensive undies.

I turned my nose up higher. “I don’t wanna.”

“Oh my god. Just do it. They’re clean.”

I looked down at my dirty clothes. “Fine.”

Fast forward. We had both showered. I put on the fucking underwear. We snuggled and talked. Which was really nice, but awkward as hell because we hadn’t even made out or anything before.

I stayed as long as I could in those… Hanes. Those fucking Hanes.

Eventually I couldn’t take it any longer, and as soon as she dozed-off, I kissed her forehead and told her I was taking off. I put my putrid clothes back on, ditched the undies, and went home to shower the same dirtiness off of me for the second time that night.

Yep, I left a pretty girl in bed because… Apparently I am an underwear snob.

What’s the point in telling you this?

Fuck if I know.

Dan Pearce | The Dan Pearce Blog

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Previous articleI’m So NOT Miserable

Dan Pearce is an American born writer, photographer, and artist. His books include “The All-Important, Well-Fed, Giant White Man” and “The Real Dad Rules.” He is best known for his blog and Facebook page “Single Dad Laughing,” with 1.4 million followers as of 2017.