Beautiful woman. Check.
Invitation up to her apartment. Check.
Me. Making it awkward. Check, annnnnnd let me double check that that’s accurate… Yep. Check.
Okay, that might have been a bit histrionic, perhaps.
I’ve been going out casually with this woman who is pretty awesome. I think we’re starting to like each other.
Sunday we went up to some hot springs and ended up taking a five mile hike none of us were expecting.
“Damnit, you all are ruining my nine month no-workout streak,” I told my hiking companions, annoyed that I was somehow exercising by accident.
Fast forward. I took her home. She invited me to come up and hang out.
Ooooh, wait. Did you think above when I said invited me up I meant to get it on with her? Yeah. Um. No. Perverts.
Anyway, I went up to hang out with her in her apartment, but I smelled exactly as I looked… Like a big giant dried-sweaty mess. Actually, I smelled worse than that. My clothes smelled like sulphur since we had hiked to some hot springs.
She said she wanted to shower. Fuck. I couldn’t be the only stinky one, and I told her so.
“Just shower,” she told me. I had no other clothes, and I told her so.
“I’ve got some underwear you can wear,” she told me. “I stole them from a friend of mine.”
She went to a drawer and grabbed a pair of Hanes boxer shorts that just happened to be my size.
I didn’t like them. And I told her so.
It was weird to wear another guy’s undies. And I told her so.
But, I never told her the real truth. The truth that… I would never wear underwear as uncomfortable and cheap as the ones she was holding out to me. I don’t buy underwear that come in multi-packs. I buy underwear that comes in 1-packs.
Bleh. She had never seen me in undies yet. Did I really want the first time she did to be while I was wearing the Hanes of some other guy? Once my clothes come off, I don’t have a whole lot going for this dad bod, so the Hanes meant giving up the one thing I usually do have going… sexy, expensive undies.
I turned my nose up higher. “I don’t wanna.”
“Oh my god. Just do it. They’re clean.”
I looked down at my dirty clothes. “Fine.”
Fast forward. We had both showered. I put on the fucking underwear. We snuggled and talked. Which was really nice, but awkward as hell because we hadn’t even made out or anything before.
I stayed as long as I could in those… Hanes. Those fucking Hanes.
Eventually I couldn’t take it any longer, and as soon as she dozed-off, I kissed her forehead and told her I was taking off. I put my putrid clothes back on, ditched the undies, and went home to shower the same dirtiness off of me for the second time that night.
Yep, I left a pretty girl in bed because… Apparently I am an underwear snob.
What’s the point in telling you this?
Fuck if I know.
Dan Pearce | The Dan Pearce Blog